| Interview with Frank Portman |
First off, thanks so much for joining us for an up-close and personal interview for TeensReadToo.com! My
name is Jen, and I’ll be your server toda…oh, wait, wrong job! Anyway, thanks so much for taking time out
of your writing schedule—which I’m sure is busy!—and answering a few questions for your readers and fans.
Let’s get some of the typical interview questions out of the way first. When did you first know that you
wanted to be a writer?
Well, there's an old anecdote about the songwriter http://users.bestweb.net/~foosie/samycahn.htm Sammy
Cahn’s response to the standard songwriting interview question "what comes first, the words or the music?"
His answer: the advance. In my case, I first knew I wanted to be a writer when I got the contract to write King
Dork, and I realized that if I didn't write it I'd have to give the money back. That was a powerful incentive.
Can you tell us a little bit about your road to publishing?
It was kind of accidental. I spent the last twenty years or so writing songs for my rock and roll band, and
some publishing people suggested that I give writing a novel a shot. I wasn't sure if I could write a whole
book, but I gave it a shot. So I got on the road without too much of a struggle. Once there, though, I was
stuck in crazy traffic and it took around two years to get to the exit.
Tell us a little bit about either your latest or upcoming release. If you could only tell your readers one thing
about the story that had to convince us to buy the book, what would it be?
For guys: it will reveal the secret of how to attract semi-hot girls and get them to give you blow jobs. For
girls: it will reveal the inner workings of the boy brain in nerd mode.
What, or who, has been the greatest inspiration for your stories?
I'm afraid I must refer you to Sammy Cahn once again. Seriously, though, the greatest inspiration is this
neurotic desire to see people laugh at my jokes, just as a way of proving to myself that my jokes don’t suck.
Let’s hear about your family, who I’m sure are thrilled to have a published author among them!
I have a mom and three sisters and a brother. My dad is dead. My siblings are all very smart and interesting
and way more normal than I am. A physicist, two teachers, and a nurse. I'm the only one who never got a
job. I am the oldest and the least mature.
Now for some fun facts. What’s your greatest comfort food?
Cheeseburgers. V8 juice. Budweiser. Beef jerky.
What are the first three things you do when you wake up in the morning?
1. Think: wow, I'm still alive. 2. Reach for glasses, put them on and think: wow, I can still see. Sort of. 3.
Put on pants if I'm not still wearing them and stumble down the street to the donut store for a large coffee
and two hot dogs (they know me as "two hot dogs" there); on the way I swallow around four aspirin because
I usually have this pounding headache.
If I came to your house and looked in your closet/attic/basement, what’s the one thing that would surprise
me the most?
I have a pretty small TV for a guy who likes TV as much as I do.
Everyone asks the question about “if you could be a tree, which tree would you be?” so I want to know: If
you could be a color, which color would it be, and why?
Well, the contingency is a remote one, but if I were given the choice I'd say: hmm, http://www.amazon.
com/gp/product/B00085027S/102-7041374-6187316?v=glance&n=3760911 Is this too risqué for a family
website? Or how about http://www.narscosmetics.com/acb/stores/1/Lipstick-C10_category_1.aspx Scarlet
Empress or http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/benefit/product.asp?pd=10068&ct=lip+color&pg=1
But Officer? Anything women like to put on their faces seems like a good way to approach this project…
Who is your favorite cartoon character? Which cartoon character is most like you?
Speed Racer is my favorite character. Bat Fink is second. I don’t think there are any cartoon characters
like me, but if you extend the question to Muppets, I think I am pretty Bert-esque.
If you could beam yourself to anywhere in the world (“Beam me up, Scotty!”), during any time in history,
where and when would it be—and why?
Back to the date and place of my birth, because I'd really like the chance to do it over in a less retarded
manner.
So what’s your favorite type of music to listen to? Favorite musical artists? Do you listen to music while
you’re writing?
I share some tastes with the King Dork narrator. The Who. The Kinks. The Sweet. I listened to a lot of
that stuff while I was writing the book, to get me in the mood. I also like country music and bluegrass.
George Jones is my hero.
Do you have any favorite T.V. shows? Movies you watch over and over again? What was the last movie you
saw at the theater?
Favorite TV shows: Seinfeld and Freaks and Geeks. Favorite movie: Rosemary's Baby, which I have seen
hundreds of times, to the point where I can pretty much recite the entire script. Last movie I saw was http:
//www.imdb.com/title/tt0426578/ the one about Sophie Scholl: it was intense and it made me cry.
You have the chance to give one piece of advice to your teen readers. What would it be?
Do not trust people with high self-esteem: it is usually a sign of stupidity.
One last question. What stories can we look forward to from you in the future?
I am working on a second novel now. I think if everybody pauses for a moment and wishes really hard I will
have a better chance of actually finishing it, so I'd appreciate it. I'm also vaguely planning another rock and
roll album.
Again, thanks so much for joining us at TeensReadToo.com!
Thank you!
name is Jen, and I’ll be your server toda…oh, wait, wrong job! Anyway, thanks so much for taking time out
of your writing schedule—which I’m sure is busy!—and answering a few questions for your readers and fans.
Let’s get some of the typical interview questions out of the way first. When did you first know that you
wanted to be a writer?
Well, there's an old anecdote about the songwriter http://users.bestweb.net/~foosie/samycahn.htm Sammy
Cahn’s response to the standard songwriting interview question "what comes first, the words or the music?"
His answer: the advance. In my case, I first knew I wanted to be a writer when I got the contract to write King
Dork, and I realized that if I didn't write it I'd have to give the money back. That was a powerful incentive.
Can you tell us a little bit about your road to publishing?
It was kind of accidental. I spent the last twenty years or so writing songs for my rock and roll band, and
some publishing people suggested that I give writing a novel a shot. I wasn't sure if I could write a whole
book, but I gave it a shot. So I got on the road without too much of a struggle. Once there, though, I was
stuck in crazy traffic and it took around two years to get to the exit.
Tell us a little bit about either your latest or upcoming release. If you could only tell your readers one thing
about the story that had to convince us to buy the book, what would it be?
For guys: it will reveal the secret of how to attract semi-hot girls and get them to give you blow jobs. For
girls: it will reveal the inner workings of the boy brain in nerd mode.
What, or who, has been the greatest inspiration for your stories?
I'm afraid I must refer you to Sammy Cahn once again. Seriously, though, the greatest inspiration is this
neurotic desire to see people laugh at my jokes, just as a way of proving to myself that my jokes don’t suck.
Let’s hear about your family, who I’m sure are thrilled to have a published author among them!
I have a mom and three sisters and a brother. My dad is dead. My siblings are all very smart and interesting
and way more normal than I am. A physicist, two teachers, and a nurse. I'm the only one who never got a
job. I am the oldest and the least mature.
Now for some fun facts. What’s your greatest comfort food?
Cheeseburgers. V8 juice. Budweiser. Beef jerky.
What are the first three things you do when you wake up in the morning?
1. Think: wow, I'm still alive. 2. Reach for glasses, put them on and think: wow, I can still see. Sort of. 3.
Put on pants if I'm not still wearing them and stumble down the street to the donut store for a large coffee
and two hot dogs (they know me as "two hot dogs" there); on the way I swallow around four aspirin because
I usually have this pounding headache.
If I came to your house and looked in your closet/attic/basement, what’s the one thing that would surprise
me the most?
I have a pretty small TV for a guy who likes TV as much as I do.
Everyone asks the question about “if you could be a tree, which tree would you be?” so I want to know: If
you could be a color, which color would it be, and why?
Well, the contingency is a remote one, but if I were given the choice I'd say: hmm, http://www.amazon.
com/gp/product/B00085027S/102-7041374-6187316?v=glance&n=3760911 Is this too risqué for a family
website? Or how about http://www.narscosmetics.com/acb/stores/1/Lipstick-C10_category_1.aspx Scarlet
Empress or http://www.benefitcosmetics.com/benefit/product.asp?pd=10068&ct=lip+color&pg=1
But Officer? Anything women like to put on their faces seems like a good way to approach this project…
Who is your favorite cartoon character? Which cartoon character is most like you?
Speed Racer is my favorite character. Bat Fink is second. I don’t think there are any cartoon characters
like me, but if you extend the question to Muppets, I think I am pretty Bert-esque.
If you could beam yourself to anywhere in the world (“Beam me up, Scotty!”), during any time in history,
where and when would it be—and why?
Back to the date and place of my birth, because I'd really like the chance to do it over in a less retarded
manner.
So what’s your favorite type of music to listen to? Favorite musical artists? Do you listen to music while
you’re writing?
I share some tastes with the King Dork narrator. The Who. The Kinks. The Sweet. I listened to a lot of
that stuff while I was writing the book, to get me in the mood. I also like country music and bluegrass.
George Jones is my hero.
Do you have any favorite T.V. shows? Movies you watch over and over again? What was the last movie you
saw at the theater?
Favorite TV shows: Seinfeld and Freaks and Geeks. Favorite movie: Rosemary's Baby, which I have seen
hundreds of times, to the point where I can pretty much recite the entire script. Last movie I saw was http:
//www.imdb.com/title/tt0426578/ the one about Sophie Scholl: it was intense and it made me cry.
You have the chance to give one piece of advice to your teen readers. What would it be?
Do not trust people with high self-esteem: it is usually a sign of stupidity.
One last question. What stories can we look forward to from you in the future?
I am working on a second novel now. I think if everybody pauses for a moment and wishes really hard I will
have a better chance of actually finishing it, so I'd appreciate it. I'm also vaguely planning another rock and
roll album.
Again, thanks so much for joining us at TeensReadToo.com!
Thank you!
